I broke my blogging routine last week by missing a post on Thursday. I’ll just assume you didn’t know what to do with the extra 7 minutes that day so you stared at the ceiling. I may try to write 4 posts this week but I’m also going to close on my first home in a day or two, so we’ll see.
I want to change directions today. Lately I’ve been talking about Christian issues at a very macro level, but today I want to switch and get more personal. I want to talk about a fear I have.
It’s been around since I was a little kid with my butt parked in a pew. The fear is born out of the innumerable sermons I heard 2-3 times a week, and I’m surprised by just how often it steps out of hiding in my mind.
The fear is that God is going to cause my entire life to crumble.
Not for ill intent of course – but so he can put me back together piece by piece. Frequently I heard testimonies who said that God had to take away everything from them in order to rebuild them in his image. They had to lose everything around them so they could see God uninterrupted.
It meant a lot heartbreak. It was excruciating. It was disillusioning. Most people that testified about this went through it kicking and screaming.
The premise makes sense – when we build our own lives our foundation isn’t right, and it doesn’t matter how beautiful the house is that sits upon a shaky foundation. So therefore God breaks us down, like Job, so that he can refashion us like he did with Paul.
I’m probably not doing a good job of explaining this, but it was a common theme in my church. I heard those stories all the time, so much so that this fear is one that refuses to die out. I’ve refuted a lot of what that church taught me, but for some reason this one has stuck around the depths of my mind.
Sometimes I think this destruction is inevitable for my life – that one day it’ll come and there’s nothing I can do about it. Other times I think if I just behave enough or do good enough it’ll keep God at bay (nope, can’t pop a hole that in that balloon!)
And the last few years my life has grown considerably. I married. I have a beautiful little daughter. I worked hard to achieve my drug and alcohol counseling license. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I am buying my first home. I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m storing up treasures on earth, but really I like what I have. I know I know, it would be a glorious thing to have God redeem me from head to toe, but let’s be honest – I still don’t want that pain.
Though it may sound like God isn’t numero uno in my life – I don’t want to lose my new house, let alone my family. I think this why this fear has come back around, because I have so many good things going on, and who would ever want to lose those?
So there is no resolution to this post. It’s just me sharing my fear. Have you ever heard these stories or had these fears? Any words to speak to them?